Alcohol

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol 

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Phonetic Alphabets

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I was an MP in the U.S. Army, and later a law enforcement officer for both the city of Santa Rosa, California, and the county of Sonoma, California. I retired from public service after over 30 years in the business.
Turned out that I still needed to work, so I'm a security officer in private industry. I have a private investigator's license and have done some of that work, but I discovered, much to my dismay, that while I am really quite competent at the work, I'm a crappy businessman.
I told you that so I could tell you this: Working in private security is either pretty nice or truly awful, depending almost entirely on whether the outfit you work for is headed up by a former law enforcement officer……….or not. I now work as a security officer for two really good private companies and a really nice community college.
It wasn't always that way. I worked, ever so briefly, for two really miserable companies. One of them had rank amateurs as dispatchers, and th…
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The Sam Elliott Mustache Page (EMEU)

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I've always been a fan of Sam Elliott (or, more properly, Samuel Pack Elliott, born 8-9-44 in Sacramento, California).  He and I have something in common, you see--we each have a mustache.  Sam's is the standard, though, so I have decided to use it as the One And Only Mustache Standard on earth, against which all other mustaches must be measured.  Sam's mustache is equal to one EMEU (Elliott Mustache Equivalency Unit).  These two photos will serve as the examples of what a single EMEU looks like:


My mustache is worth 4/10ths of an EMEU.  That's a point 4 EMEU, if you prefer.
Other celebrities have dandy mustaches.  Great mustaches, even, but not the standard.  It gets worse.  My opinion on this matter is final.  When I declare that Tom Selleck's mustache is a point 8 EMEU, that rating stays.  Burt Reynolds also comes in at a point 8 EMEU.


Point 8.  Not a drop more.  Good mustaches and certainly heroes, but point 8 and no more.
Not everyone has an affection for th…
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Dave Barry on Roger and Elaine (from Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys)

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
 And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:
''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: "I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.”
And Roger is thinking: “Gosh. Six months”.
And Elaine is thinking: “But, hey,…
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