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Showing posts from January, 2012

A Real Woman

A friend of mine sent me this.  I laughed 'til I cried.


A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do--live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait...Sorry.
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that.
Never mind.






The Boys of Summer

The very idea that Bud Selig is the brain-trust of major league baseball is loathsome.  This would be the very same guy who had an all-star game end in a tie.  Whatta moron.
Here’s the latest:  According to Yahoo Sports, Selig has decided that, by 2013 at the latest, and probably this year, each league will have not just one, but two (count ‘en two) wild card teams.  They can both come from the same division, the way I read it. 
Look, it’s awful enough that a team can fail to win their division, and still make the playoffs.  So we now have the situation where, if your team is in the American League West (a 4 team division), your team can finish the regular season next to last, and still win the World Series.  Brother.
I understand that having more teams in the playoffs translates to more sales of merchandise and such.  I really do understand.  But this whole wild card concept is terrible.  Why not just make a whole bunch of 4 team (or 3 team, for that matter) divisions so that a qua…

Kingdom of the Spiders

I used to like the Independent Film Channel.  That was back when they used to show independent films without commercial interruption.  You know.  Movies.  Pretty cool idea.
Then they started showing commercials.  And old TV in “mini-marathon” style.  It started with that crap-fest called Arrested Development.  That would be a lowlight.  They also have Malcolm in the Middle, which, for this channel the way it’s currently constituted, would be a highlight.
Now it seems that they’ve ventured into original programming in sort of a narrow-casting mode.  I’m not certain whom they consider their target audience for this junk is, but it’s not me.  They have frequent commercial breaks touting two programs called “Portlandia” and “The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret”.
Just based on the ads for these programs, I’ll skip them.  Looks to be along the lines of The Kids in the Hall, which was also a geek-fest of monstrous proportions. 
So, good luck on your adventure, IFC.  I’ll contin…

More Stuff That Makes Me Wince

Let me set the scene—I’m in the Man-Cave (that’s the basement to the uninitiated).  I’m on my stationery bicycle watching Drew Carey and The Price Is Right.  To my immediate left is my tomcat, Quigley, sleeping on the sofa, and to his immediate left is an aquarium containing some idling tropicals. 
This is a good scene.
Then comes the commercial break—it’s an ad for the Swifter Duster.  The background music is—this is hard to relate—The Beach Boys singing “I Get Around”.  I suppose they might have used “Spirit Of America” if only the Swifter had been made in America.
How many ways can you spell “ick”.

Rabbits in Hats

OK, then.  Lincecum signed a 2-year deal with the Giants that exceed 40 million total American dollars.  What with inflation and all, I guess that’s a bargain.  Don’t get me wrong—I’m glad that he’s been signed, and that he’s part of the organization.  Again.  It’s just…..well…..you know…..we’ll have to go through this torture again next year.
So, let’s get on with it.  See if the Giants can pull another rabbit outta their hat.

The Off Season

Being a fan of the San Francisco Giants is a bit of a struggle at times.  We (that would be “the fans”) are still in sort of an afterglow of the recent World Series title.  We still think that the Giants can win another one.  At least I think that way.
I actually live closer to Cleveland than San Francisco, so I also root for the home boys in Cleveland every year—in hopes of a re-match between Cleveland and Ess Eff in the Fall Classic. 
But San Francisco is my team.  This off-season has been interesting.  The Gigantes have managed to sign many of the core players needed to score a handful of runs on some days to assist the stellar pitching that the G’s have amassed.  Problem is as follows:  the Giants don’t have the payroll ability to hold onto the pitching staff.  Period.  I see no way they can keep both Matt Cain (the other white Matt) and Tim Lincecum.  So, they offered Lincecum a five year 100 million dollar contract, and he declined. 
Yes—he declined to bite on 20 million a ye…

Liquor and Tobacco

My Bride was sick for a short period of time, and, as a result, was at home watching what passes for television entertainment during the daytime hours.  No, no, she’s fine now, thank you all the same.  It was just a little cold that knocked the stuffing out of her for a bit.
She’s not quite the TV addict that I am, so she was overwhelmed by the pervasive, aggressive, ubiquitous marketing of prescription medicine, medical appliances, over the counter medicine, and a spate of ambulance chasers at the ready to sue if things don’t go quite right.  Insurance companies seem to have plenty of money to advertise too.  Odd.  Since they’re on our side and all.
I’m not altogether certain that we’re better off now than back in the days when big tobacco, big liquor, and Detroit paid the freight and ran the commercials.
My advice?  Glad you asked: -Make it illegal for lawyers to advertise -Make it illegal to advertise prescription-only medicines -Require insurance ads to begin with at least 30 sec…

Tortured Language

Don't get me wrong here--I'm all for English being a "living language" and all that happy horse-stuff, but.....

Here's the deal--I belong to a number of organizations, one of which is the Fraternal Order of Police.  A perfectly fine group if ever there was one, but they have seized upon a new term that attempts to describe an Interned based seminar (Police training groups have always been in love with the idea of a "seminar" as a way of describing a training class).

So I get regular e-mails from the aforementioned Fraternal Order of Police inviting me to attend a--and believe me, I can barely get this out--"webinar".  A webinar.  If that ain't a tortured piece of language there never was one.

If they had checked with me first, I would have suggested "e-training", or "Internet Classroom", or just about anything that didn't add up to "webinar".

It's embarrassing.

Friday the Thirteenth

It’s Friday the 13th.  Special day with special meanings for special people.
And that’s all I have to say about that.

We're Doomed

I admit to a weakness for Joel McHale and The Soup on the “E” channel.  I cannot manage to call it a network, although I’m certain that they think of themselves as such.  I consider The Soup a guilty pleasure.  Plus, of course, fun is poked at all sorts of stuff that need poked.
Today Joel picked on a TV program devoted to taxidermy—stuffing your dead pet to continue to love it.  Oh.  This along with the programming devoted to vampires, ghosts, finding bigfoot…..
If the target audience for this drivel is anyone over the age of 13, the country is doomed.  I’m buying extra ammunition for the inevitable time when the viewers of this stuff take control of the country. 
Or, maybe they already have.

You Need Me

This morning I watched about 15 minutes of the Today show on NBC—why I do this to myself is anybody’s guess, but, what with Katie Kourac gone, it seemed harmless enough.  What I failed to remember is that Matt Lauer isn’t gone yet.  His lead story was about a video that has surfaced that seems to show some of our Marines urinating on the dead bodies of some of the Afghanistan enemy.  “Seems” might be a little light here—we know what’s going on.
So, the esteemed Mr. Lauer’s comments are, more or less, as follows:  Shocking video, Shocking, I say (with all gravity)—Heads will roll—etceteras.  OK, that’s all of it that I saw.  Matt—you lead a sheltered life, don’t you.
Until you’ve actually worn a uniform and been a gunfight on behalf of people who hate the very thought of your existence, you haven’t earned the right to comment.  Can’t actually say Where In The World Matt Lauer is, but with some certainty, I can say that wherever he is, he’s suffering from a permanent rectal-cranial inv…

Smoking

I see that there’s lots of “stop smoking” advise on the web and TV and papers and…..Why is that?  New Year Resolutions?  Nothing else to talk about?
Regardless of the reason, if you’re smoking, it’s a good idea to stop.  Here’s my suggestion:
If you see that you’re smoking, douse yourself with water wherever you see flames.  If you’re still smoldering after that, do it again.
That ought to do the trick.
You’re welcome.