Your Real Horoscope (Redux)

Aquarius - January 20 to February 18  You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you're a jerk.

 Pisces - February 19 to March 20  You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or the CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

 Aries - March 21 to April 19  You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.

 Taurus - April 20 to May 20  You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn Communist.

 Gemini - May 21 to June 20  You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini’s are notorious for thriving on insects.

 Cancer - June 21 to July 22  You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. This is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.

 Leo - July 23 to August 22  You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you're a moron. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving mother-fuckers and spend most of their time kissing mirrors.

 Virgo - August 23 to September 22  You are a logical type and hate disorder. This shit picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

 Libra - September 23 to October 22  You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

 Scorpio - October 23 to November 21  The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

 Sagittarius - November 22 to December 21  You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. Nixon was a Sagittarian. You are not worth the time of day.

 Capricorn - December 22 to January 19  You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should eat your gun.