Guilt

I was an MP in the U.S. Army, and later a law enforcement officer for both the city of Santa Rosa, California, and the county of Sonoma, California. I retired from public service after over 30 years in the business. Turned out that I still needed to work, so I'm a security officer in private industry. I have a private investigator's license and have done some of that work, but I discovered, much to my dismay, that while I am really quite competent at the work, I'm a crappy businessman. I told you that so I could tell you this: Working in private security is either pretty nice or truly awful, depending almost entirely on whether the outfit you work for is headed up by a former law enforcement officer……….or not. I now work as a security officer for two really good private companies and a really nice community college. It wasn't always that way. I worked, ever so briefly, for two really miserable companies. One of them had rank amateurs as dispatcher...

A penguin is driving Southbound on CA99 in California from Tulare to Bakersfield.  It’s August.  It’s hot.  Penguins don’t like the heat.  Around Pixley, the air conditioner in the penguin’s car goes on the fritz.  He pulls into a garage by the side of the road. The mechanic says “Sure, I’ll take a look.” The penguin says “I’m a penguin and I don’t like the heat.  Is there somewhere I can beat the heat while you fix the A/C?” Mechanic says “Sure.....there’s an ice cream parlor just up the street.” The penguin goes to the ice cream parlor and waits for a call from the mechanic.  Soon, the mechanic calls and tells the penguin that his car is fixed. When the penguin gets back to the garage, the mechanic looks at him and says “Looks like you blew a seal”. The penguin shouts back “I swear to God, NO!! It’s just ice cream.”

Three guys go to heaven. St. Peter will only allow unusual deaths into heaven on this day, and wants each of them to explain how they died. First guy says, "I live in an apartment on the 15th floor of a high-rise.  I've suspected for a while that my wife has been seeing another man so I came home early from work . When I got home, she was lying naked in bed. I checked under the bed and there was no one there. I checked the closet and there was no one there.  Then I looked on the balcony and there was the interloper hanging from the railing. I beat on his hands but he did not fall, so I got a hammer from the kitchen and hammered his hands. He fell, but bounced off of some shrubbery.  To finish him off, I went back to the kitchen, shoved the refrigerator over the edge of the balcony and dropped it on him.  As luck would have it, I lost my balance and fell over the railing myself and died in the fall." St. Peter agreed that this is pretty unusual and lets the first ...