“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.” ― Dave Barry, Dave Barry Turns Fifty
“It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.” ― Dave Barry
I was an MP in the
U.S. Army, and later a law enforcement officer for both the city of
Santa Rosa, California, and the county of Sonoma, California. I
retired from public service after over 30 years in the business.
Turned out that I
still needed to work, so I'm a security officer in private industry.
I have a private investigator's license and have done some of that
work, but I discovered, much to my dismay, that while I am really
quite competent at the work, I'm a crappy businessman.
I told you that so I
could tell you this: Working in private security is either pretty
nice or truly awful, depending almost entirely on whether the outfit
you work for is headed up by a former law enforcement officer……….or
not. I now work as a security officer for two really good private
companies and a really nice community college.
It wasn't always
that way. I worked, ever so briefly, for two really miserable
companies. One of them had rank amateurs as dispatchers, and th…
I've always been a fan of Sam Elliott (or, more properly, Samuel
Pack Elliott, born 8-9-44 in Sacramento, California). He and I have
something in common, you see--we each have a mustache. Sam's is the
standard, though, so I have decided to use it as the One And Only Mustache
Standard on earth, against which all other mustaches must be measured.
Sam's mustache is equal to one EMEU (Elliott Mustache Equivalency Unit).
These two photos will serve as the examples of what a single EMEU looks like:
My mustache is worth 4/10ths of an EMEU. That's a point 4 EMEU, if you
Other celebrities have dandy mustaches. Great mustaches,
even, but not the standard. It gets worse. My opinion on this matter
is final. When I declare that Tom Selleck's mustache is a point 8 EMEU,
that rating stays. Burt Reynolds also comes in at a point 8 EMEU.
Point 8. Not a drop more. Good mustaches and
certainly heroes, but point 8 and no more.
Not everyone has an affection for th…
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks
her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights
later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue
to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:
''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for
exactly six months?''
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud
silence. She thinks to herself: "I wonder if it bothers him that I said
that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm
trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't
And Roger is thinking: “Gosh. Six months”.
And Elaine is thinking: “But, hey,…